Harry Potter and the Cursed Child/4

  RON is held back by GINNY as he charges at DRACO.

  RON: Do you want a smack in the mouth?

  DRACO: Face it -- his celebrity impacts upon you all. And how better to get everyone whispering the Potter name again than with (he does an impression of HARRY) "my scar is hurting, my scar is hurting." And do you know what this all means -- that the gossipmongers once again have an opportunity to defame my son with these ridiculous rumors about his parentage.

  HARRY: Draco, no one is saying this has anything to do with Scorpius . . .

  DRACO: Well, I, for one, think this meeting a sham. And I'm leaving.

  He walks out. Others start to disperse after him.

  HERMIONE: No. That's not the way . . . Come back. We need a strategy.



  This is chaos. This is magic. This is St. Oswald's Home for Old Witches and Wizards and it is as wonderful as you might hope.

  Walker frames are conjured into life, knitting wool is enchanted into chaos, and male nurses are made to dance tango.

  These are people relieved of the burden of having to do magic for a reason -- instead these witches and wizards do magic for fun. And what fun they have.

  ALBUS and SCORPIUS enter, looking around themselves, amused, and let's face it, slightly scared.

  ALBUS and SCORPIUS: Um, excuse me . . . Excuse me. EXCUSE ME!

  SCORPIUS: Okay, so this place is wild.

  ALBUS: We're looking for Amos Diggory.

  There is suddenly total silence. Everything is instantly still. And slightly depressed.

  WOOL WOMAN: And what you boys want with that miserable old sod?

  DELPHI appears with a smile.

  DELPHI: Albus? Albus! You came? How wonderful! Come and say hello to Amos!



  AMOS looks at SCORPIUS and ALBUS -- irritated. DELPHI watches the three of them.

  AMOS: So let me get this straight. You overhear a conversation -- a conversation which was not meant for you to overhear -- and you decide -- without prompting, in fact, without leave -- to interfere, and interfere hard, in someone else's business.

  ALBUS: My father lied to you -- I know he did. They do have a Time-Turner.

  AMOS: Of course they do. You can move along now.

  ALBUS: What? No. We're here to help.

  AMOS: Help? What use could a pair of undersized teenagers be for me?

  ALBUS: My father proved you don't have to be grown-up to change the wizarding world.

  AMOS: So I should allow you to get involved because you're a Potter? Relying on your famous name, are you?

  ALBUS: No!

  AMOS: A Potter who is in Slytherin House -- yes, I've read about you -- and who brings a Malfoy with him to visit me -- a Malfoy who may be a Voldemort? Who's to say you're not involved in Dark Magic?

  ALBUS: But --

  AMOS: Your information was obvious but the confirmation is useful. Your father did lie. Now leave. The pair of you. And stop wasting my time.

  ALBUS (with power and strength): No, you need to listen to me, you said it yourself -- how much blood is on my father's hands. Let me help you change that. Let me help correct one of his mistakes. Trust me.

  AMOS (his voice raised): Did you not hear me, boy? I see no reason to trust you. So go. Now. Before I make you leave.

  He raises his wand ominously. ALBUS looks at the wand -- he deflates -- AMOS has crushed him.

  SCORPIUS: Come on, mate, if there's one thing we're good at it's knowing where we're not wanted.

  ALBUS is reluctant to leave. SCORPIUS pulls him by the arm. He turns and they walk away.

  DELPHI: I can think of one reason why you should trust them, Uncle.

  They stop.

  They're the only ones volunteering to help. They're prepared to bravely put themselves at risk to return your son to your side. In fact, I'm pretty sure they put themselves at risk even getting here . . .

  AMOS: This is Cedric we're talking about . . .

  DELPHI: And -- didn't you say yourself, having someone inside Hogwarts might be a massive advantage?

  DELPHI kisses the top of AMOS's head. AMOS looks at DELPHI, and then turns to look at the boys.

  AMOS: Why? Why do you want to put yourself at risk? What's in it for you?

  ALBUS: I know what it is to be the spare. Your son didn't deserve to be killed, Mr. Diggory. We can help you get him back.

  AMOS (finally showing emotion): My son -- my son was the best thing that ever happened to me -- and you're right, it was an injustice -- a gross injustice. If you're serious . . .

  ALBUS: We're deadly serious.

  AMOS: This is going to be dangerous.

  ALBUS: We know.

  SCORPIUS: Do we?

  AMOS: Delphi -- perhaps if you were prepared to accompany them?

  DELPHI: If that would make you happy, Uncle.

  She smiles at ALBUS, he smiles back.

  AMOS: You do understand even getting the Time-Turner will risk your lives.

  ALBUS: We're ready to put our lives at risk.

  SCORPIUS: Are we?

  AMOS (gravely): I hope you have it in you.



  HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, and GINNY sit, eating together.

  HERMIONE: I've told Draco again and again -- no one in the Ministry is saying anything about Scorpius. The rumors aren't coming from us.

  GINNY: I wrote to him -- after he lost Astoria -- to ask if there's anything we could do. I thought maybe -- as he was such a good friend to Albus -- maybe Scorpius might want to stay over part of the Christmas break or . . . My owl came back with a letter containing one simple sentence: "Tell your husband to refute these allegations about my son once and for all."

  HERMIONE: He's obsessed.

  GINNY: He's a mess -- a grieving mess.

  RON: And I'm sorry for his loss but when he accuses Hermione of . . . Well . . . (He looks across at HARRY.) Oi droopy drawers, like I say to her all the time, it could be nothing.


  RON: The trolls could be going to a party, the giants to a wedding, you could be getting bad dreams because you're worried about Albus, and your scar could be hurting because you're getting old.

  HARRY: Getting old? Thanks, mate.

  RON: Honestly, every time I sit down now I make an "ooof" noise. An "ooof." And my feet -- the trouble I'm having with my feet -- I could write songs about the pain my feet give me -- maybe your scar is like that.

  GINNY: You talk a lot of rubbish.

  RON: I consider it my speciality. That and my range of Skiving Snackboxes. And my love for all of you. Even Skinny Ginny.

  GINNY: If you don't behave, Ronald Weasley, I will tell Mum.

  RON: You wouldn't.

  HERMIONE: If some part of Voldemort survived, in whatever form, we need to be prepared. And I'm scared.

  GINNY: I'm scared too.

  RON: Nothing scares me. Apart from Mum.

  HERMIONE: I mean it, Harry, I will not be Cornelius Fudge on this one. I will not stick my head in the sand. And I don't care how unpopular that makes me with Draco Malfoy.

  RON: You never really were one for popularity, were you?

  HERMIONE shoots RON a withering look as she aims to hit him but RON jumps out of the way.


  GINNY hits RON. RON winces.

  Hit. A very solid hit.

  Suddenly an owl is in the room. It swoops in low and drops a letter on HARRY's plate.

  HERMIONE: Bit late for an owl, isn't it?

  HARRY opens the letter. Surprised.

  HARRY: It's from Professor McGonagall.

  GINNY: What does it say?

  HARRY's face drops.

  HARRY: Ginny, it's Albus -- Albus and Scorpius -- they never made it to school. They're missing.


  SCORPIUS is squinting at a bottle.

  SCORPIUS: So we just take it?

  ALBUS: Scorpius, do I really need to explain to you -- ubergeek and Potions expert -- what Polyjuice does? Thanks to Delphi's brilliant preparation work, we are going to take this potion and be transformed, and thus disguised we will be able to enter the Ministry of Magic.

  SCORPIUS: Okay, two points, one, is it painful?

  DELPHI: Very -- as I understand it.

  SCORPIUS: Thank you. Good to know. Second point: Do either of you know what Polyjuice tastes of? Because I've heard it tastes of fish and if it does I will just vomit it back up. Fish doesn't agree with me. Never has. Never will.

  DELPHI: Consider us warned. (She knocks back the potion.) It doesn't taste of fish. (She begins to transform. It's agonizing.) Actually it tastes quite pleasant, yum. It is painful but . . . (She burps, loudly.) Take it back. There is a -- slight -- (She burps again, she turns into HERMIONE.) Slight -- overpowering -- fishy residue.

  ALBUS: Okay, that's -- wow.

  SCORPIUS: Double wow.

  DELPHI/HERMIONE: This really doesn't feel how I -- I even sound like her! Triple wow.

  ALBUS: Right. Me next.

  SCORPIUS: No. No way, Jose. If we're doing this, we're doing it (he puts on a pair of familiar-looking glasses with a smile) together.

  ALBUS: Three. Two. One.

  They swallow.

  No, that's good. (He's racked with pain.) That's less good.

  They both start to transform and it's agonizing.

  ALBUS turns into RON, SCORPIUS into HARRY.

  The two look at each other. There's a silence.

  ALBUS/RON: This is going to be slightly weird, isn't it?

  SCORPIUS/HARRY (full of drama -- he's really enjoying this): Go to your room. Go straight to your room. You've been an incredibly awful and bad son.

  ALBUS/RON (with a laugh): Scorpius . . .

  SCORPIUS/HARRY (tossing his cloak over his shoulder): It was your idea -- I be him and you be Ron! I just want to have a little fun before I . . . (And then he burps loudly.) Okay, so that's utterly horrible.

  ALBUS/RON: You know, he hides it well, but Uncle Ron's got a bit of a gut growing.

  DELPHI/HERMIONE: We should go -- don't you think?

  They emerge onto the street. They enter a telephone box. They dial 62442.

  TELEPHONE BOX: Welcome, Harry Potter. Welcome, Hermione Granger. Welcome, Ron Weasley.

  They smile as the telephone box disappears into the floor.



  HARRY, HERMIONE, GINNY, and DRACO pace around a small room.

  DRACO: Have we searched thoroughly beside the tracks . . .

  HARRY: My department have searched once and are searching again.

  DRACO: And the Trolley Witch is not able to tell us anything useful?

  HERMIONE: The Trolley Witch is furious. She keeps talking about letting down Ottaline Gambol. She prides herself on her Hogwarts delivery record.

  GINNY: Have there been any instances of magic reported by the Muggles?

  HERMIONE: None so far. I have made the Muggle Prime Minister aware and he is filing what is known as a misper. Sounds like a spell. It isn't.

  DRACO: So now we're relying on Muggles to find our children? Have we told them about Harry's scar too?

  HERMIONE: We're merely asking the Muggles to help. And who knows how Harry's scar might be involved but it's certainly a matter we're taking seriously. Our Aurors are currently investigating anyone involved in Dark Magic and --

  DRACO: This is not Death Eater-related.

  HERMIONE: I'm not sure I share your confidence.

  DRACO: I'm not confident, I'm right. The sort of cretins pursuing Dark Magic now . . . My son is a Malfoy, they wouldn't dare.

  HARRY: Unless there's something new out there, something to --

  GINNY: I agree with Draco. If this is a kidnap -- taking Albus I understand, taking them both . . .

  HARRY locks eyes with GINNY, it becomes clear what she wants him to say.

  DRACO: And Scorpius is a follower, not a leader, despite everything I've tried to instill in him. So it's undoubtedly Albus who got him from that train and my question is, where would he take him?

  GINNY: Harry, they've run away, you and I know it.

  DRACO notices the couple staring at each other.

  DRACO: Do you? Know it? What aren't you telling us?

  There's a silence.

  Whatever information you're concealing, I recommend you share it now.

  HARRY: Albus and I had an argument, the day before last.

  DRACO: And . . .

  HARRY hesitates and then makes brave eye contact with DRACO.

  HARRY: And I told him that there were times when I wished he weren't my son.

  There's another silence. A profoundly powerful one. And then DRACO takes a dangerous step towards HARRY.

  DRACO: If anything happens to Scorpius . . .

  GINNY steps in between DRACO and HARRY.

  GINNY: Don't throw around threats, Draco, please don't do that.

  DRACO (roar): My son is missing!

  GINNY (an equal roar): So is mine!

  He meets her look. There's real emotion in this room.

  DRACO (lip curling, every inch his father): If you need gold . . . Everything the Malfoys have . . . He's my sole heir . . . He's my -- only family.

  HERMIONE: The Ministry has plenty in reserve, thank you, Draco.

  DRACO makes to leave. He stops. He looks at HARRY.

  DRACO: I don't care what you did or who you saved, you are a constant curse on my family, Harry Potter.



  SCORPIUS/HARRY: And you're sure it's in there?

  A guard walks past. SCORPIUS/HARRY and DELPHI/HERMIONE try to affect performances.

  Yes, Minister, I definitely think this is a matter for the Ministry to ponder at length, yes.

  GUARD (with a nod): Minister.

  DELPHI/HERMIONE: Let's ponder it together.

  He walks on, they let out a sigh of relief.

  It was my uncle's idea to use the Veritaserum -- we slipped it into a visiting Ministry official's drink. He told us that the Time-Turner had been kept and even told us where -- the office of the Minister for Magic herself.

  She indicates a door. Suddenly they hear a noise.

  HERMIONE (from off): Harry . . . we should talk about it . . .

  HARRY (from off): There's nothing to talk about.


  ALBUS/RON: Hermione. And Dad.

  The panic is instant and infectious.

  SCORPIUS/HARRY: Okay. Hiding places. No hiding places. Anyone know any Invisibility Charms?

  DELPHI/HERMIONE: Do we go . . . in her office?

  ALBUS/RON: She'll be coming to her office.

  DELPHI/HERMIONE: There's nowhere else.

  She tries the door. She tries it again.

  HERMIONE (from off): If you don't talk to me or Ginny about it . . .

  SCORPIUS/HARRY: Stand back. Alohomora!

  He aims his wand at the door. The door swings open. He grins -- delighted.

  Albus. Block her. It has to be you.

  HARRY (from off): What is there to say?

  ALBUS/RON: Me. Why?

  DELPHI/HERMIONE: Well, it can't be either of us, can it? We are them.

  HERMIONE (from off): What you said was obviously wrong -- but -- there are more factors at play here than --

  ALBUS/RON: But I can't . . . I can't . . .

  There's a small kerfuffle and then ALBUS/RON ends up standing outside the door as HERMIONE and HARRY enter from off.

  HARRY: Hermione, I'm grateful for your concern but there's no need --


  ALBUS/RON: Surprise!!!

are you doing here?

  ALBUS/RON: Does a man need an excuse to see his wife?

  He kisses HERMIONE firmly.

  HARRY: I should go . . .

  HERMIONE: Harry. My point is . . . whatever Draco says -- the things you said to Albus . . . I don't think it'll do any of us any good for you to dwell on it.

  ALBUS/RON: Oh, you're talking about how Harry said sometimes he wished I -- (he corrects himself) Albus weren't his son.


  ALBUS/RON: Better out than in, that's what I say . . .

  HERMIONE: He'll know . . . We all say stuff we don't mean. He knows that.

  ALBUS/RON: But what if sometimes we say stuff we do mean . . . What then?

  HERMIONE: Ron, now's not the time, honestly.

  ALBUS/RON: Of course it isn't. Bye-bye, darling.

  ALBUS/RON watches her go, hopeful she'll walk past her office and away. But of course she doesn't. He runs to block her before she enters through her door. He blocks her once, and then blocks her again, swinging his hips to do so.

  HERMIONE: Why are you blocking the entrance to my office?

  ALBUS/RON: I'm not. Blocking. Anything.

  She again makes for the door, he blocks her again.

  HERMIONE: You are. Let me into my room, Ron.

  ALBUS/RON: Let's have another baby.

  HERMIONE tries to dodge past him.


  ALBUS/RON: Or if not another baby, a holiday. I want a baby or a holiday and I'm going to insist on it. Shall we talk about it later, honey?

  She tries to get into the room one final time, he blocks her with a kiss. It develops into quite a struggle.

  Maybe with a drink in the Leaky Cauldron? Love you.

  HERMIONE (relenting): If there is another stink pellet in there then Merlin won't help you. Fine. We're due to update the Muggles anyway.

  She exits. HARRY exits with her.

  ALBUS/RON turns towards the door. She reenters, this time, alone.

  A baby -- OR -- a holiday? Some days you are off the scale, you know that?

  ALBUS/RON: It's why you married me, isn't it? My puckish sense of fun.

  She exits again. He starts to open the door but again she reenters, he slams it closed.

  HERMIONE: I can taste fish. I told you to stay away from those fishfinger sandwiches.

  ALBUS/RON: Right you are.

  She exits. He checks she's gone and the relief floods out of him as he opens the door.



  SCORPIUS/HARRY and DELPHI/HERMIONE are waiting on the other side of HERMIONE's office door as ALBUS/RON enters -- he slumps, exhausted.